China Day 7 - Thoughts on a Found Daughter

Two posts today, I know. It's blogging faux pas. But I wanted to capture our day yesterday and our day today. Not too much happened today, as we just hung around the hotel. But she is changing bit by bit everyday.

She is becoming very vocal with us, laughing and squealing and making sounds when she wants something. We watch her all the time, noting new things about her face or movements, watching for something changed in her behavior. She is very quiet around other people, which is common with a lot of kids in general but especially for orphans. Safety is of absolute importance.

Today she was playing on the floor with Jack, one of her favorite things to do. She was getting sleepy and I heard her call "Ma...Ma...Ma!" She was calling for me! I brought her to bed and she fell asleep.

Today when Matt picked her up, he pointed out to me that she put her hand on his shoulder while being carried. It's a little thing but oh so big.

She is smiling more at me and Matt (it used to be almost exclusively for Jack) and each smile feels like a hard-won victory. She is very serious and intent sometimes, trying to put bits of food on a fork. She likes to carry a piece of food with her and nibble it very slowly instead of cramming it in all at once.

It was interesting to watch her while I played with Jack. He would run past me and I would grab him and tickle him. At first she would be startled and get a look on her face like she was about to cry. Then as soon as she heard or saw him laugh she would break out into laughter. I wonder - is it because she's never seen playing like that? did it remind her of something negative?

There is so much unknown.

We didn't get to see her finding place. We are told she was left at the gate of the orphanage with a note. We have a copy of the "finding ad." Abandoning children is illegal, thus parents cannot safety take a child somewhere and tell them the situation. Newspaper ads are placed with the picture of the children, in order to "search" for the parents. Once this legal obligation is satisfied, the child can be placed in an orphanage.

Over and over in my mind I replay the scenario. Tali was 4 months when she was found. Did her mother know she would give her up the entire time and just held on as long as she could? Did Tali's poor health and the family's finances create a crisis around her fourth month? I imagine the weeks leading up to her being left. Her mother perhaps stringing it out as long as possible - telling her husband, her mother "Tomorrow I will."

Her note is simple, basic. It states something to the effect of "Please feed this poor kid. I am too poor. Thank you for your kindness." The translation may be a bit off but that is the gist. It listed her birthdate.

I think - did the father write it? I wonder how I would've written that note. Rough drafts, several copies. Making sure I include things like what songs she liked me to sing, how she slept at night, that she has my eyes and her father's ears. What my hopes are for her life. Perhaps she tried to write it but couldn't and so her husband or mother or friend did. Perhaps people just don't include those personal things. Perhaps people just can't.

Did her hand shake? Was the note slightly damp in small, tear-drop sized places?

I picture her placing her gently in front of the gates, whispering a prayer in her ear. "Forgive me, please, I am doing the best I can. I will say a prayer for your happiness."

How many times did she came back for one last kiss? How long did she stare intently into those big, liquid brown eyes? Did she watch from a distance, sighing with relief when her baby was found, and also biting back a scream, choking back bile?

I don't know. I don't want to make up a history for Talitha and paint a romantic picture. But it occurs to me that orphans represent a greater tragedy. The children are lost, yes. But so are the mothers. The mothers out there tonight who are thinking of their babies and hoping with a desperate hope that everything turned out alright. Wishing and praying for their children's happiness and trying to find peace despite the fact that they will most likely never know if it is true.

I say a prayer for my daughter, for her grief and her unknown past and for her peace.

But I say a prayer for her birthmother too. For she is also facing a tragedy. I say a prayer for her grief and her daughter's unknown future. And for her peace as well.

For all the lost children tonight...and for all the lost mothers too.

Things to Think On

No big post to write. Sorry to disappoint. My in-laws moved to town (hooray!), we're still waiting for Talitha's surgery and that letter from China (boo). Finishing up my research paper for my nursing research class. Am befuddled much of the time. So nothing new here.

A smattering of articles and things for your enjoyment:

Bono on Jesus - Patheos blog

Yes. Love. Shared by a good friend. Anytime someone paraphrases God and uses the word 'cretins,' I agree. Simple and true stuff.

Adoption and Trauma - Gobbel Counseling

Adoption is not for the faint of heart...

Black holes and other fun things...

Also, our new favorite science channel.

Medical School and the Cost of Medicine

Teaching would-be doctors to take the actual cost of medicine into account. Lots of raised eyebrows in hospitals over seemingly unnecessary but expensive tests. Hmmm...

And also a cute picture or two. Because I can.

Generation after Generation

My father-in-law has been a pastor for 36 years and preached his last sermon this past Sunday. Despite being 6,000 miles away (or so, I don't remember exactly), we were able to listen to his sermon over the internet. My in-laws are moving from Alaska to our town in Florida. They'll be here in about three weeks. Even though I know that, I was still missing them listening to the sermon. I could picture my father-in-law taking off his blazer and rolling up his sleeves before preaching. The pauses in the sentences, the familiar cadence to his sermons. My mother-in-law in the front right row, daintily writing down notes in a journal. And I think about them and my parents and Matt and I being parents ourselves (and here 'The Circle of Life' begins to play in my mind). Matt's parents and my parents are leaving a legacy to us and the generations after. A legacy of faithfulness, a legacy of prayer, a legacy of constant quiet being that does not shake in the rough winds of life.

And I wonder what legacy we will leave. It's hard to picture in the everyday grime of raising small children. Our couch has Vaseline stains on it, I have raised my voice a shameful amount already in the short hours of today, my older son has repeatedly referenced slavery while completing his chores.

Just last night I was pondering this while cutting Noah's hair in the bathroom. And right in the middle of my musings on parenting, I noticed that Noah had grabbed the big kid toothpaste out of the cup and was sucking on it. It's chock-full of flouride. I sighed and put it back. Good parenting at its finest. Some may have been worried and had poison control on the phone but my motto, which has been sharpened as an ER nurse, is "You're fine." Perhaps that will be my legacy - living a life on the edge. And I really do. I often stand in front of the microwave while it's on. I've been known to cut the tags right off a mattress. I may only wait 20 seconds for my hair straightener to heat up instead of the full 30. And I almost always take the usb photo thing out of my computer before it tells me it's safe to take it out. Mainly because I don't want to be bossed around by a machine. I'll decide when things are safe around here. So yeah, I'm pretty bold.

Despite all these little frustrations in life, a legacy is being formed. And whether I raise my children with intention or not, something will be left. I think about our parents and how who we are affects those that come after us. Generation after generation cascading like rapids.

I hope my kids will say we also left a legacy of faithfulness. Parents who were steadfast in seeking after things they could not hold or see but trusted nonetheless.

They will hopefully not mind too much that their clothes were mostly handed down or bought at yard sales. It may come as a shock someday to realize that most kids they knew did not have to share rooms and even had their own televisions most of the time. But perhaps they will not mind that too much. They may not care that we didn't go out to eat much or go on nice vacations. My hope is that they will realize that we tried really hard to spend our time and money on things that mattered, on things that would last. Even though we failed a lot and made poor decisions, we kept going back to God's will for our lives.

And when they are spinning their wheels in the everyday grime of raising their children, I hope they will think about these things and choose the best over the simply good enough and leave their own legacy of grace.

Mother's Day

(A couple weeks ago our pastor asked me to say a few words about our adoption, in case there were people in the church that didn't know yet. Being the type of person I am, I took the liberty of rambling on for quite awhile because it was Mother's Day. This was what I read in church Sunday. I cut out the first paragraph because it was introducing Talitha and the adoption and you people already know that. Here's the rest):

When I was 6 years old, I ran away from home. After about 10 minutes, I got tired of walking and came back home. My mom was waiting for me with hot chocolate already made.

My mom wrote notes of encouragement in my lunch box. One she had a card delivered to my eighth grade math class before a big test. I bombed the test anyway but still, it was a nice thought.

My mom sang lullabies as she wiped my feverish brow with a cool cloth in the middle of the night.

My mom cried tears of joy when she held my first born for the first time.

She often tells me what an amazing mother I am, even though I often don’t believe her. She tells me even though I’ve heard a shrill “Mama!” for the 20^th time in 5 minutes and I can’t find the aspirin and Noah shrieking sounds like a pterodactyl being boiled in oil. Even when the bikes have been left in the yard again and I lose my patience. Even when I get asked questions like “Will the sun become a black hole and suck us all in and we’d all die?” and I reassure my son with an answer like “Oh honey, we’d all freeze to death long before that.” Even when someone (me) has left the peanut butter jar out again and Noah has not only eaten it in huge handfuls but has smeared it all over himself and I think “Forget the Klondike Bar, what would I do for a margarita right now?” Even at those times, she still tells me often what a good mother she thinks I am.

I hope to become like her a little bit more every day.

A mother’s love is no ordinary thing. When I held Jack as an infant, I felt that wave of love wash over me and I realized with astonishment that this must be how my parents love me and I finally understood it. A mother’s love is strong. It is fierce and determined. It cheers for every homerun and holds us up through the deep valleys of disappointment. A mother’s love goes before the throne of grace for us. A mother’s love is steadfast in the face of failure. It never gives up the good fight. A mother’s love is nothing if not exceedingly hopeful.

I have never met my youngest daughter. And yet I love her with a mother’s love. This day will be even sweeter for me next year. An orphan once left alone will be a beloved daughter, held up by the strength of her mother’s love. Despair will have given way to hope. And I will teach her of the God who has kept her safe in the cleft of the rock and has loved her all this time with an everlasting kindness.

Please pray for her and our family as we travel the long road of adoption. Hug your children today and thank God for the women in our lives who live out his love so well. Happy Mother’s Day.

Rabbit Trails

This past week we took a break from homeschooling. I homeschool all year round, for a few reasons. I like the continuity - long breaks in the summer mean we have to review for the first month back or so and that's just a waste of time. It also allows us to take more frequent breaks throughout the year. A couple of us are sick - no big deal, let's break out some movies. At this point we homeschool for a couple hours in the morning. There's no stress over making sure we hit a certain number of days or making time for field trips and playdates. And lots and lots of outdoor play makes for happy kids.

                                               

                   
Sometimes we're running full tilt, blazing down this path of learning. Latin, history, science, math - we're right on target. Other times we take rabbit trails and see where they go. I love the full tilt, feel like we're productive, checking things off a list time. And I love the rabbit trails. No schedule, no plan. Children are innately curious. Sometimes it sticks with us as adults - the wonderers of society, the group that asks "what if?" Sometimes it dies out as we age or gets squashed when no one has time to figure out the answers. I want to have time to answer these questions together, to not rush around trying to become so educated that we miss learning all these beautiful things.

This past week the kids spent a lot of time outside, happily climbing trees and playing cops and digging. We went to Legoland for a day as a family and went about our usual routine of homeschool PE at the Y and dance lessons. Jack took a day and figured out which direction the world turns based on the sun's position. Kate spent hours and hours thumbing through my books, deciphering words. For no other reason than that they wanted to. Sometimes the rabbit trails are richer than the actual path.

A little bit of our jaunt down the rabbit trails:

CERN Now Certain It Has Discovered the Higgs Boson - Forbes

    We're almost positive we have. Definitely an absolute just about found it.

How Home Schooling Threatens Monopoly Education - USA today

     Not sure the numbers are big enough to threaten. But it should make the powers that be take notice. The money should follow the kid, not the other way around. As always, almost everything in life comes down to money, regardless of our ideals.

How "Fast" is the Speed of Light? - NASA

     Spinning off a discussion on how fast we would get to Legoland going at the speed of light. Check out the  wealth of stuff on the left side of the page.

Phil Robertson - Deciding to Follow Jesus

      One of the guys from Duck Dynasty. Simple, amazing testimony.

    Reading this aloud to the kids. One of my favorite childhood memories is of my older sister reading this
to me and my younger sister in the evenings. The Grand High Witch has a sort of Transylvanian accent and my sister doing the voice was the best part. My kids today get a kick out of it too and walk around saying "You may rrrremove your vigs."

Lots of morning spent giggling on the couch, all four of us snuggled under a blanket, perfecting our accents.

We run the path, we meander the trails and oh what lovely things we find all along the way.





               

Christmas Night

Speak the words
World is new
Flowers bloom, air is sweet
Walk the garden with me

Sly glance
Whispered words
A choice is made
The scales have tipped

A dark band encircles the Earth
Choking, pressing
Can't catch its breath
Deliver us!
Deliver me

Far above
A plan is made
Trumpets sound
He is coming

Dark night in a little town
She is tired
She is scared
She is full of hope

Sheep watch with sleepy eyes
Cows yawn
It is late
The room is quiet, the room is still
He is coming

A gasp of pain
A baby's first cry

Whitewashed walls
Fresh yellow straw
Through that quiet sleepy night
She delivers him
Prince of Peace
King of Kings
Deliver us!
Deliver me

The soft scent of clean new life
Mingles with sin and desperation
Ten little fingers
Ten little toes
Hope has been born tonight
Love sleeps on the straw tonight

O little one

He has delivered us

He has delivered me

He has come

The Question of Suffering

When we first talked about adoption, it was simply a good thing to do. Selfless, generous, and all that. When Matt and I really started to get serious about it, it was because God was impressing upon us his heart for orphans. The most surprising part about this journey is how it is changing us. Changing our marriage, our relationships with our kids, our view of a hurting world. We have just started this process and yet it is clear that this is no easy task. Sometimes it painfully stretches our relationships. We have to confront just how selfish we are with our time and our money and our comfortable little lives. Adoption is forcing us to come to terms with our need for control, racial stereotypes and tensions, and our all consuming focus on ourselves.

One of the greatest questions in all of human history is why does a supposedly loving God allow suffering? It keeps both believers and agnostics awake at night, tossing and turning on pillows damp with tears.

I have been to Honduras and the Dominican Republic and Matt has been to those countries and Mexico and Haiti. We have been to New York City and Chicago on mission trips. We have seen toddlers whose bellies are distended with hunger, liquid brown eyes round with suffering. Homeless men and women bundled in their belongings, faces etched with a lifetime of poor decisions and unfortunate circumstances. Women whose only thought is keeping their children alive one more day.

We have read accounts of the horrific conditions in Russian orphanages, teenagers who weigh as much as toddlers and spend their whole lives in cribs. Babies in Ethiopia and Haiti who are fed mud mixtures to keep bellies full because there is no food. Rooms filled with cribs in China, babies peering out with dull eyes. The hopelessness, the suffering, the complete and utter injustice.

The question is not why does God allow suffering. The question is - Why do we allow suffering? Why do I?

The desire I have to be comfortable and content is strong. I want to keep my money in tight fist-fulls and spend it on shoes and clothes, products to make my hair shinier and my teeth whiter.

This past election I heard a lot about rights. Specifically my rights as a woman. Defend them! Vote for them! Protect them!

And yet...I have given up my rights. Though I fail often, I give up the rights to myself everyday. My right to spend my money however I want, my right to be comfortable, my right to treat my unborn children however I choose, based on convenience. I choose to exchange my temporary and fleeting rights for something much greater.

To adopt is to value someone else's comfort and contentment more than your own. It is a dent in the great ocean of suffering and injustice that covers this world.

I can't change the suffering of this world. I cannot stop the horrors that happen every minute of every day. But I can teach my sons that their strength is measured in helping the helpless, their honor in loving the unlovable. I will whisper to my daughters that to be a life-giver is an unspeakable joy. I will tell them that it is a struggle to be you-first in a me-first world. That laying one's life down for another is the greatest of all things. It is hard and it is painful but it is a battle worth fighting.

Things to Think On - August 2012

Things we've watched, things we've read...

• An Open Letter to the Scientific Community - really enjoyed reading this and the thought behind it. Science is overwhelmingly in favor of the Big Bang/Evolution (as it regards to new species development). The odd thing is, there are quite a few inconsistencies as well as unproven ideas that the entire theory hinges on. Science should be a continual quest for truth, even if it goes against the grain of what is universally accepted.

• College for All?  - Mike Rowe (Dirty Jobs - a Matt and Jack favorite) is on a quest to bring awareness and respect to the very-much-needed blue collar job sector. Our relentless pursuit of college for everyone is creating a country where MBAs are a dime a dozen and plumbers are in short supply. I know that the prevalent view in our society is that college is absolute, regardless of what career a student desires. When I was in high school, everyone was 'college prep' - there was no question about it. The average college student changes majors 8 times, making me wonder if we aren't pushing something expensive and time-consuming on young people who don't really know what they want to do yet. As a society, we need to place equal importance on all careers, whether it's medicine/law/academia or trades like electricians and plumbing and stop blindly pushing every kid into college.

         

       "In high schools, the vocational arts have all but vanished. We've elevated the importance of "higher education" to such a lofty perch, that all other forms of knowledge are now labeled "alternative."  Millions of parents and kids see apprenticeships and on-the-job training opportunities as "vocational  consolation prizes," best suited for those not cut out for a four-year degree. And still, we talk about millions of "shovel ready" jobs for a society that doesn't encourage people to pick up a shovel." 

                                                                                   -Mike Rowe, 

                                                                                   speaking to Congress

                                                                                

• Einstein's Big Idea - Jack's favorite new video. It's in two parts so it's long but well done and quite interesting. No surprise, but I knew hardly anything about E=MC2.

• This Awesome Lecrae Cover - we love this guy's music but it's more suited for playing tag. This is a beautiful cover and you can just sip your tea while listening.

On Science and Faith

My son loves science. Specifically human anatomy (the heart especially gets him all twitterpated), astronomy and physics. Jack is analytical, focused and smart - basically the polar opposite of me (see previous post).

Much of what we read about the universe (or is that capitalized? I suppose there is only one) and physics refers to the Big Bang and evolution. I tread carefully when talking about these things with my six year old. Do I only read and share things that support my beliefs - things that are Christian? Or do I read everything and let the photons fall where they will?

When I was growing up, it was Creation at home and church, Big Bang at school. There rarely seemed a time when faith and science intersected. I remember having a question about evolution in my high school biology class and was told not to question, it was fact - not theory (well, I can't remember the exact wording. High school was a blur of acne and curled bangs).  Thinking about this makes me realize I want more for my children. I want freedom to discuss, to ponder, to question, to argue.  Let's read Genesis and then Origin of Species and then Darwin's Black Box and figure it out together. I have to believe that God is big enough to handle our questions, strong enough to handle our crises of faith. When Jack really became interested in these things, I bought several books. In reading The Universe, I came across the pages describing the Big Bang. I made the decision to read it aloud and not add any commentary. When I was done, Jack asked "So all this (gesturing with his arms to the backyard beyond us) came from an explosion?" I said "Yes, basically, but it began as an explosion in space and over billions of years developed into the planets, sun, and all life on Earth." He furrowed his brow and said "But that doesn't make sense. How can all this come from nothing? What caused the explosion?" So we got to discuss what we believe and why we believe it. I want to give my kids the freedom to discover things, to know that what they believe is truly what they believe and not just what I told them to believe.

One of the quite interesting subjects is particle colliders, specifically the Large Hadron Collider under the Franco-Swiss border (read about it here). Jack and I have been following the news on this since the story broke last October about neutrinos being faster than the speed of light (they're not). Recently there was quite a splash concerning the possible finding of the "God Particle" or the Higgs Boson ( Still Looking for It). It was supposed to confirm the Big Bang by providing mass to other particles. I've read a lot and am still not sure I got it (nobody's too surprised about that, right?). To me it just raises more questions. Where did the Higgs Boson come from? How did it get its mass? This growing confusion is a common theme in science. For every answer found, it creates 10 more questions. Now that I'm not reading government madated textbooks, things seem a bit more truthful. To be honest, no one really knows how exactly the Earth and life in it came to be. There are numerous theories. The carbon dating I read about in high school has quite a few problems, so does the young Earth theory, and the special theory of relativity.

What strikes me most in my reading of non-Christian science material (and not anti-Christian) is a very real sense of desperation. A true scientist is fueled by curiosity, by the pursuit of discovering the as yet unknowable. We want to know who we are, where we came from, and our place in this Universe. There is something in us that searches and hopes for something...anything, that gives us meaning and purpose. We want to know that we matter.

And the more I read the more I see that science and faith intersect quite a bit. And yet there are reasonable things that can't be explained with faith and things of the faith that are beyond reason. Believing in Creation requires faith, believing in the Big Bang requires faith. Believing in God or Allah or Zeus or nothing at all requires faith. Life itself requires faith.

For me, the sheer intricacy of creation speaks to something more. It's all so wonderfully complicated - from our bodies - to cellular design - to photosynthesis - to the laws that govern atoms - to the laws that govern space and time - to our place in the Solar System. Reading about electrons and liver function fills me with wonder. Watching my babies grow taller and speak and reason fills me with wonder. Everywhere I look the glory of the Most High seeps through and in and around.

Science can be summed up as such: Everything is fascinating and none of us, from the least to the greatest, know hardly anything. 

There is a God and He knows my name.

And that is enough for me.

Things to Think On - June 2012

Recent articles I've read, quotes to appreciate and so on.

How Parents Enable Kids' Creativity - The Wall Street Journal

        "This idea of making something is very fundamental to human beings, and children really get that,"    says Mr. Dougherty, "We are not just consumers. We are makers of things."


What Americans Keep Ignoring About Finland's School Success - The Atlantic


         Decades ago, when the Finnish school system was badly in need of reform, the goal of the program that Finland instituted, resulting in so much success today, was never excellence. It was equity.


The Trouble With Bright Kids - Harvard Business Review Blog


            "Smart" praise kids were much quicker to doubt their ability, to lose confidence, and to become less effective performers as a result.


And from the Raising Real Men Blog (http://www.raisingrealmen.com/2012/04/the-goal/) 


             Your goal in life is not to be a teenager. Your goal is to become a man, and we’re going to help you become a man. What are the characteristics of manhood? We want to look at these virtues, things like honor, diligence, courage, and integrity, things that even a young man like you can develop and practice in small ways around the house …”