How to Wrap a Present in 26 Easy Steps

Step 1: Assemble all the items you need.

Step 2: Start rolling out the wrapping paper.

Step 3: Realize you forgot the scissors. And the tape (repeat step 1 as needed).

Step 4: Wrestle the scissors away from toddler.

Step 5: Ignore the screaming.

Step 6: Choose a box from your assortment of Amazon boxes on the garage freezer. Don't worry about taking the shipping label off. Too much work.

Step 7: Eat an Oreo. It says 'limited edition' on the box so you really don't want to procrastinate on eating these. This is a time-sensitive endeavor.

Step 8: Use your amazing sense of measurement for the wrapping paper. You're a college educated individual - surely you can correctly eyeball how much wrapping paper you'll need.

Step 9: Struggle with folding the paper on the ends. Realize that this is fancy wrapping paper (which was given to you by your mom). Cheap wrapping paper folds easily and tears if you use too strong of a grip folding it. This stuff doesn't - it's real wrapping paper, the type sold at fancy department stores where people buy silver baby rattles. Not the sort of stores where your wrapping paper usually comes from - the sort of stores where people buy Slim Jims and Charmin along with their wrapping paper.

Step 10: Ok, so maybe you didn't eyeball the wrapping paper that well. You're just a simple person, for goodness' sakes!

Step 11: Eat an Oreo. 

Step 12: Cut off the excess paper from both ends. You should've moved the box over so you only had one end to cut but you didn't think of that at the time. This has only happened every single time you've wrapped a present in your life, how is a person to know these things? You're not a flippin' magician.

Step 13: Sides trimmed, you now fold up the paper around the main part of the box.

Step 14: Apparently there's not enough paper width-wise.

                                    

Step 15: Stare at the box, wondering how you could have made such colossal errors of measurement with the wrapping paper.

Step 16: Ponder not only measurement skills, but also powers of reasoning and logic and possibly existence.

Step 17: Put "The Office" on for background noise. Drink milk.

Step 18: Take one of the strips of paper trimmed off the ends (Strips of Shame) and tape it to the side of the box to cover your other mistake.

Step 19: Realize you forgot to buy present labels. For the 3rd year in a row. Write the name inside one of the reindeer with Sharpie so it almost looks like you completely planned on the Sharpie route. 

Step 20: Slap a bow on the box. Now tape the bow to the box because the bows are, like, 4 years old and the adhesive has dried up.

Step 21: Repeat for every present. 

Step 22: Enjoy a job well done! 

Step 23: Reward self with Oreos.

Step 24: Feel bad about self, drink lots of water to compensate.

Step 25: Clutch stomach, which now hurts from too much water and too many Oreos.

Step 26: Lay on couch. Watch Netflix.

Haircuts and Fairy Tales

Take the Mirror!

Every time I get my hair cut, the stylist insists that I take a tiny mirror and swivels me around in the chair so I can look into the mirror at the back of my head's reflection in the big mirror. I always dutifully glance even though I don't care a bit what the back of my head looks like. With very few exceptions, my haircut in the back looks identical to what's happening on my sides and I've already seen those by the end of the cut.  Often I'll just give the stylist a vague idea of what I want (not to look like a mushroom) and then tell him or her that I trust them to figure the rest out as they go.

Last week I got my hair cut and the stylist again handed me a mirror to see the back.

"It's ok," I said, "I'm sure the back looks fine. I don't need to see it."

"No, I want you to see it."

And here she swivels me around.

(Wow, this mirror really magnifies my poor, untweezed eyebrows. Is it normal to have eyebrow hair grow this fast? Maybe it's my gummy vitamins...)

"So, how does it look?'

"What? Oh, it looks great. Really lovely."

(I really should try eyebrow waxing. It could change my life.)

The stylist nods contentedly with the knowledge that I am indeed deeply satisfied with how the back of my head looks.

This leads me to believe that stylists must be constantly plagued by customers who come back after a cut, pointing angrily to the back of their heads and yelling "What's the matter with you? The sides of my hair are amazing but the back is an absolute nightmare. People have been laughing at me, literally behind my back, the entire day."

The Brothers Very Grim

My kids will probably tell you I'm mean. Which is true much of the time.  I'm constantly harping on them to clean up, do their math, put their shoes away, and actually use shampoo in the shower and not just wet your hair because I can totally tell. I've heard that being a grandparent is the reward you get for raising your kids and I believe it. My mom tells me she enjoys being able to do fun things and spoil them because she isn't responsible for how they turn out, unlike her own children. Therefore, it's oatmeal at home and 6 bowls of Lucky Charms at my parents.

 In fact, we stayed the night at their house over this past Thanksgiving and my mom bought three different sugary cereals just for their arrival. One was open so I took it out to give to everyone.

 My dad: "No, no, take them all out. They can have whatever they want."

"But this one is open," I sputter.

"It's fine, open them all."

And I'll be darned if my big kids didn't have like 6 bowls apiece, 2 of each kind of cereal.  Seeing how different my own parents are as grandparents, happy and smiling and generally enjoying it, makes me look forward to when I have my own grandkids and I won't have to worry everyday that I'm disciplining too much or too little or that I won't have enough money for therapy someday.

So whenever I can get away with not directly sucking the happiness out of their lives I do. Which means that whenever I read a book aloud or tell a story, I will often sneak in my own sentences so it sounds like it's coming from the author and not me.  For instance:

"Once upon a time there was a little girl named Goldilocks. She was walking through the woods and spotted the house of the three bears. She decided to go in, even though her mom had told her not to but Goldilocks didn't listen to her mom at all which resulted in her almost being eaten by bears, which we'll see later on in the story."

And then later...

"Goldilocks woke up and saw the bears, screamed, and ran way. She vowed from that day forward to be an obedient kid and to always do what her mom says. The end."

Of course, this really only works for Noah. With the older kids I have to be sneakier. Like if I'm reading Harry Potter and come across a section about the trouble the twins get into and how stressed it makes their mother, I might add:

"George and Fred were worried that their mother might be disappointed in them and so they decided to do their best to make good decisions because they realized life would be more enjoyable if they weren't in trouble so much."

Stuff like that.

Of course, there is a risk that someday they'll realize that Hansel and Gretel weren't actually sent out to the woods for punishment for not clearing their dishes and also for arguing over whose cookie was bigger, but it's a chance I'm willing to take.