An Open Letter to Talitha's Birthmother

To my daughter's mother:

I have started this letter many times but have lacked the courage to finish it. The odds of you ever reading this letter or meeting us in person is slim, I know. But there are things I must tell you, things you must know.

I want to thank you - so much - for choosing life for Talitha. I don't know the circumstances you faced two years ago or the circumstances you face still. It would have been easier for you, in some ways, to end her life. But you didn't. You chose to let that sweet little girl draw her first breath. You held her and fed her and probably watched with terror as she turned blue when she cried. There was a moment when you realized that something was wrong. There was a moment when you made the decision to give her away to save her life. On the other side of the world, I made the decision to raise your daughter as my own.

You have my eternal gratitude for giving her life, for leaving her in a safe place so that I might find her one day. I look at my sweet little girl and think about you. When she is all grown up someday I will wonder if perhaps there isn't a woman in China that walks the same way, that laughs the same way. I promise to tell her about your sacrifice and that you did it out of love for her, out of hope for a better life for a sick little girl.

Life is difficult. When we are born it is like a game of roulette and some are born with plenty, some are born with nothing at all but the breath in their lungs. I grew up reading stories about strong women and I was told that it was ok to be fierce and funny and speak my mind. It has been different for you, I know. Women live in the shadows in places all over the world. Not able to read, not able to be free, not able to hold their children, not able to control their own destiny. But now your daughter, my daughter, can live in the light. And now she can be fierce and funny and speak her mind too. You have given her a great gift, my friend.

Life is also a many splendored thing. This little girl is safe and warm and healthy and loved - because of you.

There is a proverb that states that women hold up half the sky. When you get tired, I will be ready on the other side of the world. And I will hold up your half. And when our daughter is grown and ready to take her place in the world, I will show her how to hold up the sky with her strong, strong arms.

With love and hope for those in the shadows,

Your daughter's mother

China Day 12 - Almost the End

(Straight away I have to apologize. This post is a jumbled mix of what happened today and my thoughts. But it is my blog so you can accept my apology or not. I don't care.)

There are certain things that happen near the end of a long trip that signal it's time to go home.

Here are my signs:

1. My shave gel has lost the will to live:

2. My one and only hair elastic broke. Why did I only bring one? Was I afraid of the extra weight? What were you thinking, 2 weeks ago me? So I had to knot it together and now it's tiny. It only fits once around my hair and I'm terrified it will break again. It's so hot and humid that I have given up leaving my hair down. I want to apologize to those around me for my appearance but let's be honest, this is how I look almost all of the time anyway.

3. We are bribing Jack with money to swim laps in the pool. He has little bursts of energy in the hotel room that no amount of evil eye will abate.

Even as I type this, I think of another adoptive mom I recently met. As she was telling me how they have experienced vomiting, diarrhea, pink eye, and other such horrors, it made my problems seems pretty darn small. Their 2 year old had explosive diarrhea all over the mom on a bus. And here I am, near tears that my Walmart can of shave gel busted.

On to the events of today. We had our US consulate appointment today. A lot of adoptive families wear patriotic colors and get their picture taken by the sign outside. I made sure everyone had on their 'Merica outfits and I even threw on some mascara and off we went. We didn't even take the stupid picture. No time before and our guide was off and running afterward. It's probably just as well. Like a dunderhead, I washed my nude colored bra last night and only had my black bra, which is hard to hide with my spaghetti strap dress and white sheer cardigan. Then again, nothing says "I'm free" like showing off your straps.

In the car ride after the appointment, Talitha had a meltdown. Screaming, crying, arching her little back. It was like trying to cradle Linda Blair in the backseat. At one point, Matt laid her on the seat between him and Jack and Jack exclaimed "Why did you lay the screaming head near me?"

This does not bode well for our upcoming 15 hour flight.

Later on in the day we took a walk down the street and I bought a jade bracelet. The girl selling it and I bartered back and forth on the calculator over the price. At one point, she rubbed the bracelet on the concrete. I took that as a good sign that the bracelet was quality. Or perhaps it was a signal to the other peddlers that I was a pretty gullible idiot and to grab my attention because I will surely buy overpriced things from them also.

Right after that, we were walking back to the hotel and Matt dropped a dollar from his pocket. It picked up the wind a bit and he scurried back the sidewalk to retrieve it. It was 20 yen, which is like 3 bucks. I harassed him about letting go of the stroller to get 3 bucks. When we reached the elevator, a hotel employee was standing by to lead us to an open one. I wondered if this was his only job. I told Matt he probably waits for the Americans, perhaps assuming that we are too stupid to figure out which elevator is open. Matt replied "You bought a bracelet because it was rubbed on the ground." I then stated that he left our child on the street to run after 3 bucks. We probably could use someone to lead us right to our hotel room and open the door for us as well.

Over the week we've been here, we've befriended a young Egyptian women we see often at dinner. She's a teacher and tried really hard to be friends with Jack, although he is a fickle companion to adults at times. This evening she was showing Jack his name and his siblings name in Arabic and he was asking her questions about Egypt. He asked her about pyramids and whether there was still a pharaoh. She asked him how he knew those things about Egypt. I was expecting him to say something like "My dear mother has taught me so many wonderful things" or "We read about things all over the world, my mother wants us to be cultured." And then I planned to shyly duck my head in humility and act like I was simply doing my duty as a parent.

He then told her that he saw it in a movie, The Prince of Egypt.

I'm surprised he didn't add something like "We watch it while eating cake and cleaning our pistols. My mom leaves us at home while she plays the slots."

She kept trying to give Jack hugs and kisses, which was an affront to the massive amounts of testosterone coursing through his manly veins. She had to settle for a quick hug and a handshake.

Good gravy, is my face that shiny? Note to self: Blot.

She talked a lot about the political unrest in her country. And then she kept inviting us to Egypt. I'm a bit suspicious. "Come to my beautiful country! You will not die. Probably."

Tomorrow we leave for Hong Kong and then to the airport Saturday. Almost home!

China Day 11 - A Very Strange Lunch Indeed

We walked around Guangzhou ourselves today (without our guide, I mean). Walking into one of the clothing stores, a woman got my attention and said "You Monica? You Monica?"

No, but I could see how you mistook me for Courtney Cox. Happens all the time.

After a couple seconds of me grinning like an idiot, my brain kicked in and I realized that she was asking if I was American.

Oh...um, yeah. That too.

We went to lunch off the recommendation of someone on my adoption group. It was called Honey Go and had an outline of a dog next to the name of the restaurant. Needless to say, we walked in with no trepidation at all.

The menu had a bunch of unrelated things on it: Udon noodles, spaghetti, pork chops, fried rice, etc. That's never a good sign. It means the restaurant can't commit to anything and the result is that nothing is good. We got three glasses of tepid water placed before us, one with what looked like a piece of rice floating in it. They were pushed to the end of the table pretty fast, so no one (meaning Jack) took a sip without thinking about it.

I got spaghetti with cheese, which meant a piece of American cheese placed on top. Matt got fish. It came with a little pile of spaghetti and a poorly fried egg. To fancy things up, a little cherry tomato was placed in the corner of the plate, crudely cut into a flower by whom I can only assume is the cook's toddler.

Matt was satisfied with this face so here it is. Also, please appreciate the tomato. Someone
put the bare minimum amount of effort into it.

The Coke was the best part. Perfectly chilled.

We played a game of Go Fish while waiting for our food and during that time, a couple with a baby sat down next to us. The man spoke a little English so we talked about our little ones. After chit chat for a few minutes, he points to Talitha and says "She looks like Chinese baby."

Son of a gun, you're right.

He was nothing if not astute. Matt told me after we left that he should have slowly turned to me and said with a hint of anger "She does look Chinese."

Well, I did go to Chinatown once and it was awfully dark...

After a nap and some pool time, we headed out again. The people who clean the streets here wear these traditional Chinese peasant hats. That just seems like rubbing it in.

"Clean up the trash and make sure you wear a peasant hat while you're at it. Don't even think about a baseball cap."

So that basically our day. Here are a few funny things that were said today:

This morning I told Matt I was having cramps. Jack quickly said "Hey, can I have one too?"

Matt and Jack were joking around and Jack said "Where did you come from?"

Matt shot back "Your mom."

After a second he realized how terrifically awkward that statement was and we laughed for awhile about it. Jack was quick to point out which mom Matt actually came from. 

China Day 10 - Baby Shoes and Fashion Horror

We went to a local tourist place, Shaiman Island. Our guide told us it's manmade and was created during the British and French colony period, which explains why it looks so Western. Our guide explained that at one point, Guangzhou was the only area of China that was open to outsiders, therefore it became quite rich. It is still busy with import/export businesses. It was a beautiful spot and reminded us of Charleston or Savannah.

This is a famous sculpture. People take pictures of their kids in the space where Jack is. She wasn't happy with being put down though.

We looked around at the local shops and got some "squeaky shoes," which are leather baby shoes with a little squeaky thing in the heel. You can bet your sweet bippy we'll be taking those out soon. The smallest size they had was a 2, which was a little big lengthwise but good enough. It's a little pink sandal with a strap across the foot. The strap is made for a fatter foot and the result is almost comical.

There were statues all around and wedding pictures being taken and tai chi being performed all over.

Matt showed Jack how to pose for a picture with these statues of musicians. He was less than amused to find out I took his instead.

We found this track in the middle of the walkways and of course, Jack took off like a shot, running back and forth on the lane. Only a kid.

Next our guide took us to a local market. Dried things of all sorts. Our guide laughed and told us that the strangest thing was the dried penises. Deer, cow. All sorts of animals. Matt remarked that we are looking for a gift for our parents. Perhaps you could add some twine and pesto! You have yourself a very unique Christmas tree ornament. Or you could get a bunch and make a wreath. It would be all over Pinterest in a matter of days.

Bag o' penises

We asked what they were used for (I was thinking a Manhood Stew or something). He said you put it in wine and drink it and it's supposed to help your performance. It seems like it would be a shameful thing to buy, like Viagra. Men quietly remarking to the clerk "Could you please put a couple in a brown bag?" 

Tubs of scorpions.

We got Subway sandwiches and went back to our hotel room. After Talitha's nap, we headed out to explore the area around our hotel. 

We found this "fashion" section of the city. A bunch of malls in a row. It was really odd, though. There were a bunch of clothing stores but nothing like we have here. Every piece of clothing was individual. They didn't have a bunch of clothes in certain styles but in different sizes. It was just a bunch of weird clothes thrown together.

Also, almost all the stores were vacant. It was a little creepy with the music playing overhead. Like a scene in a horror movie.

I can't even begin to describe the horrific awesomeness of this outfit. Check out the leggings. The cat eyes were glittering with sequins. And desperation.

Don't step on my what?!? I want to take a sharpie to this shirt so badly my fingers twitch.

There was this Ronald sitting outside the mall on a bench. We didn't see a McDonald's. It was like Big Brother. Chinese Ronald is more bizarre than American Ronald.

In your face, Starbucks.

All sorts of street vendors. Mmm...salmonella.

I think we'll definitely check it out more tomorrow. I do miss my other two (oh how I want to squish Noah and give Katie a kiss!) and can't wait to be home. But I'm enjoy my time in this fascinating country, or at least this teeny little corner I'm in. 

We went to dinner at our hotel's lounge tonight and were unfortunately caught in the crossfires of an pompous monologue. This guy behind us started yammering away and in the space of 10 minutes, we heard the following topics covered by one man: Martin Luther, first class, parenting, Alzheimer's, respect, and a bunch of things that have fallen completely out of my brain. He just loudly talked and talked with no regard to anyone trying to enjoy dinner around him.

At one point he was recounting a story about a water basin that broke and he exclaimed loudly "I couldn't find any tools! There were no tools to be found!"

I leaned in close to Matt and whispered "There's a tool right here."

As we walked out, we noticed his companion - eyes glassy with boredom, head slightly nodding every few seconds. We didn't hear a word from him. Give that guy a medal for remarkable endurance with a me monster.

I leave you with a few shots today of our sweet youngest daughter.

China Day 9 - Medical Appointment

Nothing funny or interesting happened today so if that's what you're looking for, move along. We had Tali's medical appointment today. Since she's under two, she doesn't have to have a blood draw, which is fabulous. We were in and out in a matter of minutes.

We went to Taste-Mart (and I kept hearing the Veggie Tale line 'Stuff Mart' in my head). Our guide said it's owned by Walmart. We got a bag of Lay's Pepsi Chicken potato chips and some more formula. We noticed that the workers who are putting stuff on shelves wear hard hats. Which I could totally see. What is that - 6 inches up in the air? Darn right a hard hat is needed.

We had cup of noodles for lunch (they are in huge bowls here). If there's one thing Talitha loves, it's noodles. Mmmm...gluten. She slept for about 4 hours in the afternoon and then we took her down to the kids play area in the hotel. She had no idea what to do with the slide.

She loved this little electronic toy

I tried really hard to hide my cleavage. Sometimes they just can't be contained. This was the most decent of the shots Matt took. Surprisingly, he didn't think the pictures were terrible at all.

China Day 7 - Thoughts on a Found Daughter

Two posts today, I know. It's blogging faux pas. But I wanted to capture our day yesterday and our day today. Not too much happened today, as we just hung around the hotel. But she is changing bit by bit everyday.

She is becoming very vocal with us, laughing and squealing and making sounds when she wants something. We watch her all the time, noting new things about her face or movements, watching for something changed in her behavior. She is very quiet around other people, which is common with a lot of kids in general but especially for orphans. Safety is of absolute importance.

Today she was playing on the floor with Jack, one of her favorite things to do. She was getting sleepy and I heard her call "Ma...Ma...Ma!" She was calling for me! I brought her to bed and she fell asleep.

Today when Matt picked her up, he pointed out to me that she put her hand on his shoulder while being carried. It's a little thing but oh so big.

She is smiling more at me and Matt (it used to be almost exclusively for Jack) and each smile feels like a hard-won victory. She is very serious and intent sometimes, trying to put bits of food on a fork. She likes to carry a piece of food with her and nibble it very slowly instead of cramming it in all at once.

It was interesting to watch her while I played with Jack. He would run past me and I would grab him and tickle him. At first she would be startled and get a look on her face like she was about to cry. Then as soon as she heard or saw him laugh she would break out into laughter. I wonder - is it because she's never seen playing like that? did it remind her of something negative?

There is so much unknown.

We didn't get to see her finding place. We are told she was left at the gate of the orphanage with a note. We have a copy of the "finding ad." Abandoning children is illegal, thus parents cannot safety take a child somewhere and tell them the situation. Newspaper ads are placed with the picture of the children, in order to "search" for the parents. Once this legal obligation is satisfied, the child can be placed in an orphanage.

Over and over in my mind I replay the scenario. Tali was 4 months when she was found. Did her mother know she would give her up the entire time and just held on as long as she could? Did Tali's poor health and the family's finances create a crisis around her fourth month? I imagine the weeks leading up to her being left. Her mother perhaps stringing it out as long as possible - telling her husband, her mother "Tomorrow I will."

Her note is simple, basic. It states something to the effect of "Please feed this poor kid. I am too poor. Thank you for your kindness." The translation may be a bit off but that is the gist. It listed her birthdate.

I think - did the father write it? I wonder how I would've written that note. Rough drafts, several copies. Making sure I include things like what songs she liked me to sing, how she slept at night, that she has my eyes and her father's ears. What my hopes are for her life. Perhaps she tried to write it but couldn't and so her husband or mother or friend did. Perhaps people just don't include those personal things. Perhaps people just can't.

Did her hand shake? Was the note slightly damp in small, tear-drop sized places?

I picture her placing her gently in front of the gates, whispering a prayer in her ear. "Forgive me, please, I am doing the best I can. I will say a prayer for your happiness."

How many times did she came back for one last kiss? How long did she stare intently into those big, liquid brown eyes? Did she watch from a distance, sighing with relief when her baby was found, and also biting back a scream, choking back bile?

I don't know. I don't want to make up a history for Talitha and paint a romantic picture. But it occurs to me that orphans represent a greater tragedy. The children are lost, yes. But so are the mothers. The mothers out there tonight who are thinking of their babies and hoping with a desperate hope that everything turned out alright. Wishing and praying for their children's happiness and trying to find peace despite the fact that they will most likely never know if it is true.

I say a prayer for my daughter, for her grief and her unknown past and for her peace.

But I say a prayer for her birthmother too. For she is also facing a tragedy. I say a prayer for her grief and her daughter's unknown future. And for her peace as well.

For all the lost children tonight...and for all the lost mothers too.

China Day 6 - Guangxi Museum and the Train

We went to the Guangxi Museum yesterday. It's a new building and pretty awesome. China has a lot of different minority groups (I think it's around 55) and this museum pays tribute to the groups within the province of Guangxi. There is no way of knowing which group Talitha belongs to, as nothing is known of her parents. Our guide talked us through the museum and we learned a lot of interesting things about this amazingly diverse group of people.

The security was pretty tight. Had to put our stuff through a xray machine and walk through a metal detector. I also had to give Tali her bottle so they knew I wasn't bringing poison in. Apparently, people are trying to kill others here.

This path between the escalators is made entirely of roses. Our guide told us this region is famous for flower arrangements like this.

Straw dragon

One of the groups is well known for their drumming

Mongolian warrior costumes

A replica of cave paintings found on the side of a steep cliff. They don't know how they got there and why they are so different from other cave paintings in the area.

Most Westerners to China will tell stories of how they are instant celebrities. We realized about halfway through our museum tour that people were following us and taking our picture, especially Jack's. Blond-haired people are considered good luck in Chinese society. Jack was very startled to realize they were taking pictures of him and stoically hid behind Matt. He really didn't appreciate the attention. He posed for a few pictures but not many. A bunch of teen girls wanted to take Jack's picture and told our guide that Jack was really cute. A few girls even came up to touch his hair while he wasn't looking and Jack would brush his hair as if it were a fly. If Kate were here, she would happily pose for pictures. She often tells us how cute her clothing is on particular days and would be justified in knowing people want to capture her cuteness. I thought of my best friend and her three kids, all of whom have white-blond hair. They would be mobbed here. People wanted to take pictures with me and Matt too and our guide told us that many are rural students who have never seen a white person before.

People were walking past us and after noticing our Caucasian-ness they would shout "Hello!" It began to sound like the seagulls in Finding Nemo. "Hi, Hi, Hi!" Matt started varying his response. Sometimes "Howdy," sometimes "What's up, bro?" and even once a very cultured "Bonsoir."

It was a strange but fun experience to be famous. At one point, our guide went to ask a question and in the 5 minutes we were left alone, a mob had formed around us with cameras. 

"People, please. I'm just an ordinary person. No need to push and shove. Someone bring me a goblet of Evian with ice from Bali. Cubed, not crushed, or heads are going to roll."

This was part of the group left after our guide told them to leave

Matt's big ol white head is high above it all. Jack is hiding behind Matt in this picture. We felt out of place being the only people not throwing up peace signs.

After that we went to the old museum. It's a very scenic area with ponds and gardens. 

Jack and Talitha in the van. There are no seatbelts and we let them watch the crazy traffic

Next we went to the Nanning train station. We were told by our guide to wear our backbacks in front of us so that people can't use knives to cut the bottom. He also warned us several times to keep a close eye on Jack. Well that's comforting. 

These are people at the Nanning train station waiting for the same train we are

The sign says "No smoking, Do not throw rubbish, No Spitting." People would walk by that sign with cigarettes having from their mouths, throwing trash and working up a lugee.

Our guide graciously led us right to our sleeping car. It was a mad crush of humanity to get on the train, as everyone has only 20 minutes to get on or the train leaves. It was quite an experience with our luggage and bookbags and stroller and baby and kid.

The rest of the pictures are of the train. We bought four tickets for a sleeping cabin to ourselves. It's just four narrow bunks with a little table under the window. We watched a show on our laptop and ate chips. The Lays in China come in all sorts of flavors. We got cucumber, wasabi shrimp, mexican chicken, and barbequed pork (pictured). The flavors are good but the texture of a chip is a little unsettling when you are eating something that tastes like ribs but feels like a chip.

We jerry-rigged a bunk with pillows and suitcase barriers to make a little bed for Talitha. She rolls around a lot. She had a bottle (the trains have hot water for tea and noodles) and went to bed and didn't wake up all night. The rocking was probably soothing, plus she's an amazing sleeper. I can't say the same for the rest of us although it was definitely a cool experience that I'm happy we did.

This zipper fascinated her for a good 20 minutes

The picture below is of the bathroom in the train. It's the infamous "squatty potty" and everyone who has been to China is nodding their head right now. You basically just squat down over the hole and do your business. You have to bring your own toilet paper (and hand sanitizer - Jack is the only one who thought to bring it, although that's not surprising). It's a very bizarre experience and it took me quite sometime to figure out how not to pee on my shorts (solution: either take them off completely or take off one leg and twist it around and tuck it into the other side, making a sort of shorts/underwear leg holster. Like a toilet cowboy). A few thoughts occur to me while trying to pee into the hole: 

'Holy cow! I could lose a whole Croc down there. (grips toes on flip flops tightly)

'This would be awful for people with bad knees. Either they would just have to pee on their own legs or they would have to make sure they are men.'

'I think I see a light at the end of this curved little tunnel. Holy cow, this is going outside! Then I imagine all the waste being chucked out of the train at various speeds. Poor people living by the train getting splattered with pee, an unfortunate dog with a wad of toilet paper on its head...I'll bet the real estate is pretty cheap by the train.'

'I actually have really good aim. Must remember this when I felt bad about myself. Yes, my mothering was crap today but I can hit a hole in the ground with urine from 2 feet away.'

They have these little pull down seats in the hall for during the day. A couple kids and adults found Jack and shyly smiled at him. A 2 year old was so startled by Jack he wouldn't go near him, which Jack found hilarious. A man touched Jack's cheek and stated "So white." Yup.

We found our new guide for Guangzhou and he dropped us off at the hotel. Our room is amazing again and we have breakfast up at the Executive Lounge. We are getting used to nice things and will probably become unbearable and snotty. 

We are resting now and will go sightseeing tomorrow. I'm stretching out in our nice bed and trying to forget that cramped little bunk and all its probable microscopic inhabitants.