How to Wrap a Present in 26 Easy Steps

Step 1: Assemble all the items you need.

Step 2: Start rolling out the wrapping paper.

Step 3: Realize you forgot the scissors. And the tape (repeat step 1 as needed).

Step 4: Wrestle the scissors away from toddler.

Step 5: Ignore the screaming.

Step 6: Choose a box from your assortment of Amazon boxes on the garage freezer. Don't worry about taking the shipping label off. Too much work.

Step 7: Eat an Oreo. It says 'limited edition' on the box so you really don't want to procrastinate on eating these. This is a time-sensitive endeavor.

Step 8: Use your amazing sense of measurement for the wrapping paper. You're a college educated individual - surely you can correctly eyeball how much wrapping paper you'll need.

Step 9: Struggle with folding the paper on the ends. Realize that this is fancy wrapping paper (which was given to you by your mom). Cheap wrapping paper folds easily and tears if you use too strong of a grip folding it. This stuff doesn't - it's real wrapping paper, the type sold at fancy department stores where people buy silver baby rattles. Not the sort of stores where your wrapping paper usually comes from - the sort of stores where people buy Slim Jims and Charmin along with their wrapping paper.

Step 10: Ok, so maybe you didn't eyeball the wrapping paper that well. You're just a simple person, for goodness' sakes!

Step 11: Eat an Oreo. 

Step 12: Cut off the excess paper from both ends. You should've moved the box over so you only had one end to cut but you didn't think of that at the time. This has only happened every single time you've wrapped a present in your life, how is a person to know these things? You're not a flippin' magician.

Step 13: Sides trimmed, you now fold up the paper around the main part of the box.

Step 14: Apparently there's not enough paper width-wise.

                                    

Step 15: Stare at the box, wondering how you could have made such colossal errors of measurement with the wrapping paper.

Step 16: Ponder not only measurement skills, but also powers of reasoning and logic and possibly existence.

Step 17: Put "The Office" on for background noise. Drink milk.

Step 18: Take one of the strips of paper trimmed off the ends (Strips of Shame) and tape it to the side of the box to cover your other mistake.

Step 19: Realize you forgot to buy present labels. For the 3rd year in a row. Write the name inside one of the reindeer with Sharpie so it almost looks like you completely planned on the Sharpie route. 

Step 20: Slap a bow on the box. Now tape the bow to the box because the bows are, like, 4 years old and the adhesive has dried up.

Step 21: Repeat for every present. 

Step 22: Enjoy a job well done! 

Step 23: Reward self with Oreos.

Step 24: Feel bad about self, drink lots of water to compensate.

Step 25: Clutch stomach, which now hurts from too much water and too many Oreos.

Step 26: Lay on couch. Watch Netflix.