Pregnancy Dreams: I'll Take "Things That Make Me Cry" for $100

These are the days I feel like I should be posting about more serious stuff - gay marriage, the Confederate Flag, abortion, the Mexican drug cartel.

So many serious things from which to choose (it's my blog but the ghost of my 8th grade grammar teacher is standing over me, waiting for me to write "So many serious things to choose from...)

But instead I'm here to talk to you about pregnancy dreams. Because writing about womanly issues (and not serious ones) and scrubbing toilets badly and bikini waxes and toddler diarrhea is just who I am.

First off, I'm not pregnant.

No.

No.

No.

But a friend is and the night I spoke to her on the phone I had a dream about being pregnant. Well, a nightmare really. Don't get me wrong, I desperately planned and wanted my babies and so enjoyed those sweet early lives, when their heads smell heavenly and they do that thing where they stretch their arms and yawn and keep their little legs bunched up. It's so cute I can hardly stand it.

But then they grow. And while their heads now smell like dirty hair and sunscreen, so many wonderful things are in this phase of life. No more diapers (hell ya!); long, serious discussions about life and faith and the purpose of nipples; being able to leave the big kids at home for small bits of time; enjoying my Kate reading Harry Potter and Roald Dahl and so many of my favorite books for the very first time.

And really, when people feel done having kids, that's pretty much it. I can watch a diaper commercial and instead of sobbing and beating my fists and crying out to the cosmos that I want to be pregnant and why am I the only person in the world without a baby? (like when I was trying to get pregnant with Jack), I just think "Thank God those days of feces escaping even the most capable of diapers are over." I can sleep the sleep of a parent who does not expect to be woken up at night. Ever. And if I am, so help me, you'd better be puking up your boxed macaroni dinner because I sure as shooting will not be getting up because you can't find your green dinosaur at 3 am.

So it was quite a shock to have a dream about being pregnant. Especially since my brain has long since threatened my ovaries - "If you let one more sperm in, so help me I will strangle you with your own Fallopian tube."

Apparently I threaten children and body parts with "So help me..." a lot.

The point of this whole rambling story is that I had a dream about being pregnant and instead of closing my eyes in rapture and hoping with all my might and wishing on a star and praying to God that it was true, I woke up in a bit of a terror and then narrowed my eyes suspiciously at Matt.

"If you got me pregnant, I will pummel you with my purses. All of them. So help me..."