I'm Basically a Triathlete

Running

Of course, I don't actually run. I walk for a little bit, then I run, then I walk. Like I'll run for four or five mailboxes or something. It's a very scientific process.

Kate has been begging me to go running. I've put it off for a few reasons: she's only 6 and I really, really like running with my mp3 player and singing whenever I feel like it. Every parent of small children knows that being able to do anything alone is practically a trip to the spa: grocery shopping, mowing the lawn, peeing, getting tires rotated, etc. 12 hour shift at the ER? Yes please. Signing the tax return at the CPAs' office? You betcha. I have an appt to get my TB test done next week and I'm really looking forward to it.

But Katie wore me down so I acquiesced. The night before our first run together she could hardly sleep she was so excited. That's not quite how I feel before a run. She woke up at 4, at 4:30, at 5:30, peeking her head out to see if it was time. She had slept in her clothes and set out her sneakers and socks the night before. We headed out with Toby (our dog). Kate was skipping all over the place, smiling huge. I don't want to be one of those parents who hold their children back, but I really wanted to hold her back. Literally. She chattered excitedly the whole time, not even realizing that I was simply grunting my answers due to the fact that I felt moments away from a lactic acid filled death.

At one point I was struggling along thinking things like:

Breathe from the diaphragm, don't raise the shoulders.

Man, it is super hard to keep my arms going while holding onto a leash and a mp3 player...

I wonder if they make ultra compression shorts so nothing moves at all.

If I keeled over right now, how long would the batteries last on my mp3?

I look up and Kate is practically leaping ahead, kicking up her shoes because she likes the way they sparkle.

"Are you running while holding a rock?"

"Yeah, it looks like a piece of pizza and I like it."

Because running wasn't hard enough before without a happy little gazelle running with me.

Aerobics

Even though she's borderline abusive, I feel like I get a good workout with Jillian Michaels. The kids and the dog just add a little extra level of difficulty. Basically like working out on a minefield. I should give myself an extra gold star at the end of the day for getting through a workout while: changing diapers, grading papers, getting told that I'm not doing anything as well as the people in the video, etc.

I lay back to do a sit up with a weight and oh, hey! There's Noah on a yoga ball, guzzling my water bottle:

I crunch my way up and do a bicep curl (because Jillian likes to work multiple muscle groups - it's evil) and there's Toby. A lick on my hand while I'm curling? Sure, why not?

Then I'm doing mountain climbers and look over to see the older two whipping each other around by the ankles and laughing. Some women can just bounce right back after having multiple kids - I am not so elastic.

Biking

Matt and I took my new bike on a spin the other day. We have a great bike trail about 15 minutes from our house. My fabulous mother-in-law popped over to watch the kids and we headed out. Matt knows what he's doing and looks it: sport sunglasses, cycling shorts, moisture-wicking shirt. I'm wearing a tank top and workout capris and nothing whatsoever protecting my eyes. When I questioned Matt on why he didn't clue me in, he said he assumed I knew I would need glasses - it's so obvious. Yes, of course it is. For someone who has never been on a road bike and doesn't even have padded shorts, glasses to protect my eyes from the sun and wind never crossed my mind. I've never gone fast enough to need them. In fact, my most recent memory on a bike was when I was about 8 or 9. I was pedaling around our big neighborhood when I stumbled upon a garage sale that was closing up. Perhaps I was especially charming that day or they took pity on my horse teeth and knobby knees but they gave me a huge teddy bear and a sombrero. I pedaled my way home rather precariously, a teddy bear as big as me on my lap and a huge red and green sombrero on my head. So you could say I definitely have some experience on a bike.

Remember how much I loathe running with Matt - how he doesn't run at all but could easily sail past me and win a 10k whenever he'd like? Biking is worse. It's like riding next to Lance but without the doping. He looks like a commercial for Brita or an allergy medication or something, where people are doing these great athletic things. His calf muscles bulge in solid ropes as he stands up on his pedals and charges ahead, urging us to 'sprint' forward a bit. My butt hurt when I sat on my unpadded shorts, my legs shook with exertion when I stood up. It was just a matter of choosing which body part I wanted to torture at any given time. What made it worse was that I was struggling on a bike which has the brand name GIANT splashed on the side. That's a self-esteem booster.  Matt schooled me on clipping my shoes into the pedals and which gear I should be in. At one point, the sun was streaming through the trees and we were enveloped by dandelion fluff floating slowly through the air. The peace was shattered by Lance, calling out "Push! Push!"

Yeah...no.

They say that exercise helps with memory but just tonight I bathed a child in her diaper and didn't realize it until a few minutes in so that doesn't bode well for that theory.




Finally, a thought:

Have you ever seen someone after a couple months and they suddenly look so trim?

You gasp and say "My goodness, look at you! You look great! What have you been doing?"

And they smile and shrug a little, "Oh, you know. Eating celery, doing jumping jacks. Just eating right and exercising."

You walk away a little defeated, sucking in your gut and vowing to plank it up that weekend.

More often than not, you find out that person had some sort of procedure. Gastric bypass, gastic sleeve, Lapband, what have you. Which is totally fine but let's just all make an agreement to get those disclosures out in the open and not pretend it was simply eating more vegetables and jumping on a treadmill. It reminds me of this clip from Sinbad when he's talking about hair:

The part about the hair starts around 5:50. But the whole thing is funny so just relax and enjoy.

"Listen to me now, you can't be 300 lb in February and 175 in April..."