An interesting aspect to adopting a child of another race is noting other people's reactions. We really haven't had any negative reactions to Tali (although I'm sure we will encounter some along the way). In fact, it's been really positive. Strangely positive sometimes. I'm noticing that people comment on how cute Talitha is. A lot. Like, a whole lot. Not a grocery shopping trip goes by the people don't go out of their way to tell me how cute she is. They are almost falling over each other to get to the cart to tell me.
Is Tali cute? Absolutely. Sweet and little and pretty. Is she cuter than my other kids? Eh, I don't know. But I sure never got that kind of attention carting around my blue and brown-eye, blonde headed babies as I do my almond-eyed, black haired baby.
It struck me recently that it might not be that they're just telling me she's cute: Perhaps it's a subconscious effort to make sure I know that they're not racist. That they're ok with my Asian daughter. If I really think about it, maybe I do those types of things as well, without even really realizing it. Maybe I'm overly friendly to an interracial couple, a disabled person, a homosexual couple, a person of a vastly different religious/ethic/cultural background from me, whatever. Things that people may assume make others uncomfortable and so I want to make sure everyone knows I'm ok with whatever it is.
Certainly I could be over thinking this but it makes me really think about all the ways I consciously and subconsciously interact with others.
A Race To The Bottom
Matt recently got back into biking again (like the pedaling kind, not the leather jacket kind) and we're looking for a bike for me to ride with him, because I don't have a low enough self-esteem about my physical abilities. This is a man who rode across the country on a bicycle, up to 150 miles a day - and I'm not just throwing a number out there, that's what his actual mileage was (it makes me want to just go eat ice cream and give up already). The only bright side is that he looks pretty darn good in cycling shorts because I'm sure to be lagging behind him always.
We found a bike on Craigslist that we will hopefully be picking up soon. I'm happy to have one, if only to end the incessant teasing by Matt about how short I am and how he's not even sure they make bikes for people that short. I'm a very respectable 5'4" but apparently it's not respectable enough.
This bike listing had everything - a bike my size, shoes my size, a helmet, a speedometer, and a few other bikey-type things that look really professional but I can't quite recall what they are at the moment.
I told Matt that she wrote that she only rode the bike "marginally" and that we may not be able to trust her based on her wording.
"Why wouldn't she say that she rode the bike sporadically?"
"People don't use that word."
"They do if they want to be correct."
Maybe it was the fact that I've been beaten up by Jillian Michaels every morning for weeks but I was really miffed by the wording. I told Matt that marginally should be used when comparing things - This cake is marginally better than the other, He has a marginal lead in the polls, etc. Matt chimed in "Or, I'm marginally better than everyone else."
What makes that so funny is that Matt truly is one of the most humble people I've ever met. He's able to fly a plane, race a bike, drive a motorcycle, make furniture, fix the cars, play a few instruments, and understand the stock market with ease and yet he has almost no ego. Which is really good for our marriage because I have plenty. If I made that statement, people would simply assume I was telling the truth.
"And it's a pretty good price, that must make you happy, Matt."
"Marginally."
I think that you're right that people do comment because they notice and aren't sure what to say, but "she's cute" will definitely rule them out as racists. But I think that Asian girls do seem to be considered cuter than average. I think that is the reason why so many more people want to adopt Asian girls than boys. I have received comments that my son is cute, but about the same amount that I received for my bio kids when they were his age.
ReplyDeleteI actually read a post by an adoptive mom on a forum where she said that she chose to adopt her girls from China because all Chinese girls are gorgeous. When other commenters tried to clarify, saying yes, but all children are beautiful and surely she didn't mean that Chinese children are more beautiful than those from Russia or Africa or South America, she said no, she specially adopted from China because they are more beautiful than children of other races.
There is also a disturbing tendency for people to view them as cute accessories. I've heard more than one adoptive parent say that a woman has said "She's so cute, I've got to get one!" or say to their husband "Honey, you have to get me one of those!" I've seen people post their bucket list or pin on pinterest "Adopt a baby girl from China--They're so cute!" next to "Own a Coach purse" and other material goals. It certainly is an interesting phenomenon.
Thanks for your comments. It was interesting to hear from different people on this. People who have adopted know exactly what I'm talking about. I didn't realize the "cute Asian girl" phenomenon - it definitely is interesting, borderline creepy sometimes.
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