China Day 7 - Thoughts on a Found Daughter

Two posts today, I know. It's blogging faux pas. But I wanted to capture our day yesterday and our day today. Not too much happened today, as we just hung around the hotel. But she is changing bit by bit everyday.

She is becoming very vocal with us, laughing and squealing and making sounds when she wants something. We watch her all the time, noting new things about her face or movements, watching for something changed in her behavior. She is very quiet around other people, which is common with a lot of kids in general but especially for orphans. Safety is of absolute importance.

Today she was playing on the floor with Jack, one of her favorite things to do. She was getting sleepy and I heard her call "Ma...Ma...Ma!" She was calling for me! I brought her to bed and she fell asleep.

Today when Matt picked her up, he pointed out to me that she put her hand on his shoulder while being carried. It's a little thing but oh so big.

She is smiling more at me and Matt (it used to be almost exclusively for Jack) and each smile feels like a hard-won victory. She is very serious and intent sometimes, trying to put bits of food on a fork. She likes to carry a piece of food with her and nibble it very slowly instead of cramming it in all at once.

It was interesting to watch her while I played with Jack. He would run past me and I would grab him and tickle him. At first she would be startled and get a look on her face like she was about to cry. Then as soon as she heard or saw him laugh she would break out into laughter. I wonder - is it because she's never seen playing like that? did it remind her of something negative?

There is so much unknown.

We didn't get to see her finding place. We are told she was left at the gate of the orphanage with a note. We have a copy of the "finding ad." Abandoning children is illegal, thus parents cannot safety take a child somewhere and tell them the situation. Newspaper ads are placed with the picture of the children, in order to "search" for the parents. Once this legal obligation is satisfied, the child can be placed in an orphanage.

Over and over in my mind I replay the scenario. Tali was 4 months when she was found. Did her mother know she would give her up the entire time and just held on as long as she could? Did Tali's poor health and the family's finances create a crisis around her fourth month? I imagine the weeks leading up to her being left. Her mother perhaps stringing it out as long as possible - telling her husband, her mother "Tomorrow I will."

Her note is simple, basic. It states something to the effect of "Please feed this poor kid. I am too poor. Thank you for your kindness." The translation may be a bit off but that is the gist. It listed her birthdate.

I think - did the father write it? I wonder how I would've written that note. Rough drafts, several copies. Making sure I include things like what songs she liked me to sing, how she slept at night, that she has my eyes and her father's ears. What my hopes are for her life. Perhaps she tried to write it but couldn't and so her husband or mother or friend did. Perhaps people just don't include those personal things. Perhaps people just can't.

Did her hand shake? Was the note slightly damp in small, tear-drop sized places?

I picture her placing her gently in front of the gates, whispering a prayer in her ear. "Forgive me, please, I am doing the best I can. I will say a prayer for your happiness."

How many times did she came back for one last kiss? How long did she stare intently into those big, liquid brown eyes? Did she watch from a distance, sighing with relief when her baby was found, and also biting back a scream, choking back bile?

I don't know. I don't want to make up a history for Talitha and paint a romantic picture. But it occurs to me that orphans represent a greater tragedy. The children are lost, yes. But so are the mothers. The mothers out there tonight who are thinking of their babies and hoping with a desperate hope that everything turned out alright. Wishing and praying for their children's happiness and trying to find peace despite the fact that they will most likely never know if it is true.

I say a prayer for my daughter, for her grief and her unknown past and for her peace.

But I say a prayer for her birthmother too. For she is also facing a tragedy. I say a prayer for her grief and her daughter's unknown future. And for her peace as well.

For all the lost children tonight...and for all the lost mothers too.