Plumbing Woes

Plumbing is one of those things you just don't think about much unless something is wrong. Kind of like obscure muscles that you didn't realize you even had until they're pulled and suddenly sitting down makes you scrunch up your face and make little squeaking noises. Like that.

As you know, our septic system had a major problem with that tropical storm a couple weeks ago. My dutiful and loving husband spent his nights here at the house, armed with a shop vac. I rode out the storm at my parents' house, where I battled my mom for Scrabble champion of the world and read novels. It was a very difficult time but we got through it.

Sigh of relief, followed by scream.

Last week Jack came out of the kids bathroom and calmly announced there was water on the floor. I mentally rehearsed a speech about too much toilet paper while walking over to the bathroom. I'm pretty sharp and quickly realized that it was more that a clogged toilet. Water is all over, up to the wood thing that separates the wood floor from the tile. So what does a sensible person do? Again, you're dealing with a pretty sharp crayon over here so I flushed the toilet again. You know, just to see where the water was coming from. (Yeah, I know the toilet. Quit snickering). Lo and behold, more water. Gushing out. But not from the bowl. From the tank. There is a huge crack from the bottom of the tank all the way up the corner to the top and water is pouring out. So I do what anyone of average intelligence would do and I turned off the water - I'm incredibly proud that I thought to do that.  Then I pretty much sat (well, stood) there and watched the entire tank drain onto the floor. 

 - Side note: Later that evening, as I was recounting the saga with great emphasis on my street smarts, Matt laughingly asked why I didn't let the water fill up the bowl first and then turn off the water, thus saving myself a tank full of water to clean up. Of course, it's easy to say that after the fact. But reality is, you can't turn genius on and off, you simply wait for it to strike. It's sheer luck I remembered to do that at all and I might've been cleaning up a continuous flow of water all day.

 - Side note (again): When we lived in Alaska, Matt went to Police Academy (or camp, as some youth group kids liked to call it - officers roasting marshmallows with their tasers, trading scary stories) for a few months. One day, not soon after he left, I heard some sloshing while I was driving. I thought "Huh, sounds like water" and went about my day. I'm sure I just turned up the radio to drown out the sound - problem solved! When he got home, he noticed it right away (trained observer that he is) and opened the trunk. I had been driving around for months with water in the trunk, a good bit actually. So now every argument ends with Matt throwing out "Water in the trunk" as if to say "You're so foolish, I can't continue speaking with you." He's gleefully adding this episode to his arsenal of disagreement repartees.

So Matt spent the morning of the fourth of July replacing the toilet. Right before we leave that afternoon for a calming holiday celebration, another plumbing tragedy occurred. While Matt was in our bathroom getting ready, Noah silently crept behind him, walked over to the toilet, opened the lid, threw Matt's cell phone in, and calmly closed the lid and sped out of the room. Thankfully it's a cheapo pay-as-you-go phone, what my co-workers call a 'drug dealer phone' since it can't be traced. This thing has been in its share of pools and lakes and always comes out fine. Apparently, urine is a bit of a different issue. It still works fine, after being taken apart and dried out. But there's an unsettling cloudiness ringed around the screen.

Yup, it's a pee phone.

It's like someone made a voodoo toilet and is gleefully sticking pins in it.

If it's you, please stop.

                                           That's right. We made a house for our toddler out of
                                                                   the toilet box. We're flush with class.